There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.

You can't make a heart love somebody, You can tell it what to do but it won't listen at all. You can't make a heart love somebody. You can lead a heart to love but you can't make it fall.

This I now realize. I have tried to make you fall for me. Pretended to be someone that I am not maybe once or twice. Maybe I have tried too hard, or perhaps there just wasn't any hope to begin with. I realize now that I can't make you love me, no matter how hard or how long I may try, it isn't going to happen. I realize now that you don't love me, and I also realize that although I sometimes believe that I have wasted my time, that truthfully, I haven't, not at all. I have gained knowledge and experience through this somewhat trying period of my life. And I have you to thank for that. Thank you. My heart is fine, as I am sure yours is too. I must be a lot to handle. My obsessive nature. Oh well. That is who I am, and I am not obsessive, just persistent. I don't give up easily, but now, I must. Because everyone is telling me to give you up and let you go. And I am going to listen. Because, for once, I am going to take the more traveled road. I am not going to stray from the obvious thing to do. My life will get easier, and, I am positive that I will meet someone that loves me as much as I love him. This is what I have to do Dave, and this really hurts me because my entire being wants you, but I can't have you. You have made that quite clear. I have been ignoring it, but now I am looking the truth right in the face. I want perfection, and that, in my eyes, was you and is you. But, perhaps, perfection comes in pairs. Perhaps, maybe there is someone out there for me. and when I find him, I will be even happier than the way you make me feel. Because, I sure do know, that every time I hear your voice and every time I see your face, my heart beats faster than ever before and I am in ecstasy when I am with you. It is the highest high. And I have loved every moment of it. But, maybe there is someone that will make me happy, even when they aren't with me. Because I will be able to look forward to their phone call or seeing them. And then I won't cry myself to sleep, and I won't be utterly disappointed when I don't hear from you. You ultimately make me the happiest and the saddest person at the exact same time. And, before meeting you, I didn't think that was possible. It is. Ah, I love you Dave, so much that I am letting go of you. And, certainly, for longer than I ever wanted. .


Speed 9/2005

This is ridiculous really. I don't know who I think is going read this, but I feel encouraged when an audience is listening.

My friends always says I have a flare for the dramatics. It's usually derogatory, but in my infinite wisdom I have turned it in to a motto for life. You have to admit—if you were real you'd want me to talk to you directly. I would hate to exclude, so rather than risk hurting feelings real or imaginary, I will include you in my narrative. My friend Cha also says I over-analyze things, and I do, but only a few times, and since you are my imaginary audience I have decided that you absolutely agree with me.
My friends in Utah says I take life too seriously. They says I'm only twenty one years old and that I shouldn't worry about a lot of matters. I say I've already had 21 years to warm up and I am ready to go. I'm lucky I have my aunt Merly who've always understood me. She doesn't tell me what to do or remind me of how young I am.
Anyway, let's get to the present:

I've spent the last two and a half weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah. I left New York on June 15th, right after my Development Psychology finals. Daryl gave me a ride to the airport. My flight was 5 hours long, direct, mainline Delta.

I didn;t take much stuff with me. I had a roller suitcase, my Von Dutch bag, and my laptop. I arrived SLC near midnight, and immediately after arriving Marriot Residence Inn, I did my Urban Sociology take home finals -- I did not sleep at all my first night here.

Ok, so the room was larger than i thought it'd be. There's 2 bedrooms per unit, each bedroom has its own tv and tub. Basically, all I had to share with my roomie Adrienne was the kitchen and living room. Adrienne's from New Hampshire and I liked her during the first week, but then eventually she spent her every waking moment scoffing everyone on class. She just had something to insult about someone EVERY HOUR. She goes on and on, and I am guilty of this too I know, but if you're rooming with this kind of person, you'd just want to lock up inside your room.

Within my first week in Marriot, i got a box of chocolate from an anonymous hotel personnel. He left a note with the box INSIDE MY ROOM. If you like a guy, it's a pretty sweet gesture. But from an anonymous admirer? And inside your private quarters? Umm, kinda freakish, if you ask me.

And i forgot to tell you the biggest story for the month of June. Regarding that manager i was seeing.. turns out out i was lookign for something he couldn't give apparently. Let's just say the timing was right and I may need to find it with someone else. What's nice was he was upfront and honest with it, which saved me future humiliation of being uninformed and deceived. The man broke my heart, but I'm moving on. I wish him luck with his life and career -- he is a good man, and i'm content with that realization that we may not be for each other, but I've always fallen in love with a good hearted men.

Feeling unwanted and trivial is not a way to spend my twenties.Nor is being distrustful, suspicious or jealous of anyone with whom i am involved. I deserve to move on.

I needed to move on and get over him, and so far all's good. Even though he has hurt my feelings, I still am not mad at him. There are so many more details being left out but I don't want to write a longer post than what I already have.