There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.

You can't make a heart love somebody, You can tell it what to do but it won't listen at all. You can't make a heart love somebody. You can lead a heart to love but you can't make it fall.

This I now realize. I have tried to make you fall for me. Pretended to be someone that I am not maybe once or twice. Maybe I have tried too hard, or perhaps there just wasn't any hope to begin with. I realize now that I can't make you love me, no matter how hard or how long I may try, it isn't going to happen. I realize now that you don't love me, and I also realize that although I sometimes believe that I have wasted my time, that truthfully, I haven't, not at all. I have gained knowledge and experience through this somewhat trying period of my life. And I have you to thank for that. Thank you. My heart is fine, as I am sure yours is too. I must be a lot to handle. My obsessive nature. Oh well. That is who I am, and I am not obsessive, just persistent. I don't give up easily, but now, I must. Because everyone is telling me to give you up and let you go. And I am going to listen. Because, for once, I am going to take the more traveled road. I am not going to stray from the obvious thing to do. My life will get easier, and, I am positive that I will meet someone that loves me as much as I love him. This is what I have to do Dave, and this really hurts me because my entire being wants you, but I can't have you. You have made that quite clear. I have been ignoring it, but now I am looking the truth right in the face. I want perfection, and that, in my eyes, was you and is you. But, perhaps, perfection comes in pairs. Perhaps, maybe there is someone out there for me. and when I find him, I will be even happier than the way you make me feel. Because, I sure do know, that every time I hear your voice and every time I see your face, my heart beats faster than ever before and I am in ecstasy when I am with you. It is the highest high. And I have loved every moment of it. But, maybe there is someone that will make me happy, even when they aren't with me. Because I will be able to look forward to their phone call or seeing them. And then I won't cry myself to sleep, and I won't be utterly disappointed when I don't hear from you. You ultimately make me the happiest and the saddest person at the exact same time. And, before meeting you, I didn't think that was possible. It is. Ah, I love you Dave, so much that I am letting go of you. And, certainly, for longer than I ever wanted. .


Speed 9/2005

This is ridiculous really. I don't know who I think is going read this, but I feel encouraged when an audience is listening.

My friends always says I have a flare for the dramatics. It's usually derogatory, but in my infinite wisdom I have turned it in to a motto for life. You have to admit—if you were real you'd want me to talk to you directly. I would hate to exclude, so rather than risk hurting feelings real or imaginary, I will include you in my narrative. My friend Cha also says I over-analyze things, and I do, but only a few times, and since you are my imaginary audience I have decided that you absolutely agree with me.
My friends in Utah says I take life too seriously. They says I'm only twenty one years old and that I shouldn't worry about a lot of matters. I say I've already had 21 years to warm up and I am ready to go. I'm lucky I have my aunt Merly who've always understood me. She doesn't tell me what to do or remind me of how young I am.
Anyway, let's get to the present:

I've spent the last two and a half weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah. I left New York on June 15th, right after my Development Psychology finals. Daryl gave me a ride to the airport. My flight was 5 hours long, direct, mainline Delta.

I didn;t take much stuff with me. I had a roller suitcase, my Von Dutch bag, and my laptop. I arrived SLC near midnight, and immediately after arriving Marriot Residence Inn, I did my Urban Sociology take home finals -- I did not sleep at all my first night here.

Ok, so the room was larger than i thought it'd be. There's 2 bedrooms per unit, each bedroom has its own tv and tub. Basically, all I had to share with my roomie Adrienne was the kitchen and living room. Adrienne's from New Hampshire and I liked her during the first week, but then eventually she spent her every waking moment scoffing everyone on class. She just had something to insult about someone EVERY HOUR. She goes on and on, and I am guilty of this too I know, but if you're rooming with this kind of person, you'd just want to lock up inside your room.

Within my first week in Marriot, i got a box of chocolate from an anonymous hotel personnel. He left a note with the box INSIDE MY ROOM. If you like a guy, it's a pretty sweet gesture. But from an anonymous admirer? And inside your private quarters? Umm, kinda freakish, if you ask me.

And i forgot to tell you the biggest story for the month of June. Regarding that manager i was seeing.. turns out out i was lookign for something he couldn't give apparently. Let's just say the timing was right and I may need to find it with someone else. What's nice was he was upfront and honest with it, which saved me future humiliation of being uninformed and deceived. The man broke my heart, but I'm moving on. I wish him luck with his life and career -- he is a good man, and i'm content with that realization that we may not be for each other, but I've always fallen in love with a good hearted men.

Feeling unwanted and trivial is not a way to spend my twenties.Nor is being distrustful, suspicious or jealous of anyone with whom i am involved. I deserve to move on.

I needed to move on and get over him, and so far all's good. Even though he has hurt my feelings, I still am not mad at him. There are so many more details being left out but I don't want to write a longer post than what I already have.

Patience is a necessary ingredient of genius.

Ho-hum, didnt do much today. I read two chapters in (i forgot).

Mama's acting kind of distant to me today. i dont blame her entirely. I've been rude for the time being, because I can't stand living with kuya. i'm being very selfish. And recently, been to irritative. I'm sorry Ma. I do love you, and please always try to be a better person. Thank you for the patience you've put up on me.

Bummer, i called David. I asked what he was doing after work. He said he was going to pick up Jimmy from the PR parade, then they were all going to watch wrestling at his house. He did ask me what i wanted to do on Tuesday, and i said dinner, i guess.

Geez, i need to let go. God help me.

I have been studying for my finals, which if you knew me, i really dont do till the last minute. I tackled two chapters, and after this blog, i'll read one more. I also spoke to Cha for over half an hour. She's starting her new work as MT in a goks company. Real nice for her :)

And today, i broke my diet very bad. I didnt eat a whole gunk of sugary foods, but i binged for an hour on ferrero, rice, fish, & ice cream. I did have a walk today this morning at 7am. So that was good.

White Buns and Drug Test

There is something very soul-soothing in the idea that I can make a horrendous, life-changing mistake, and be fortunate enough to have it all turn out all right.- Debbie in getting over David

Had a two-hour early morning run in Central Park. I'm in love with that park, despite me getting lost whike hiking. I woke up like 6am and ran for awhile, then decided to stroll the hiking area. Haha, i got lost. It's funny now, but i tell you, so wasn't earlier. I was literally going round and round my route. I normally have this the trump building as my point of reference in case i got lost, but the treeas aroung the path trail were so tall and huge i couldn't see a thing. Then, at this really secluded area, i saw like 3 homeless blacks snoring away in a mini lagoon.
Spent the day doing errands. Had my drug test in the upper east side. Didn't have to pay, all taken care of by Delta. I got some white buns (siopao) and sugar-roasted peanuts for mum. Daryl picked me up in Canal St and we had wanted to eat in East Japanese. We drove round and round (that's the phrase of the day -- round and round) for parking to no avail. We settled for ihop, near dave's place.
I passed by to get my tasti-d-lite pints, but no one was home.
That's my day. very simple, but i liked it.

Life is neither a good nor an evil, but simply the scene of good and evil

"Life is neither a good nor an evil, but simply the scene of good and evil"
Didn't go to school today.I ran a good forty five minutes in Central Park, all to blow it away with Ben&Jerry's ice cream topped with Yema and Hershey's almonds.Did some reading too, again in Border's. But it was all just magazines.

In silence, we listen to ourselves, and in the quietude, we may even hear the voice of God.

Had a couple of things done today, but still not complete. Had my fingerprints taken, but didn't pay. Returned the Enterprise Van we rented, but forgot to bring RCN stuff back to Elmhurst. Went to Papa's to get passport and new checks, but didn't see the checks in the room.
Ma and i had mais con hielo and an extra order of inihaw na eggplant for me in Ihawan. What I'm thankful for today: Borders bookstore located so near our building (I was able to study AND read 2 magazines for leisure. They also open so early! 8am.) "The Rules" book!!!! It's amazingly wonderfullly excellent.
I bought a white tank in Gap. Afterwards, Tina called me to have dinner in East Japanese. I had two orders of sushi. Her - usual tempura.

This'll be quite a long (i hopE!) blog because i havent been blogging for a long time, and true enough, blogging helps me soothe the stress of city life in new york. I'm going to list down my entries for today by subject, so as to remain the structure of this day's entry.

CHEMISTRY MIDTERM
That's today, at 1pm. i have no idea what the coverage is and i havent even started reading the book, or anything for that matter. I got my lowest quiz grade last friday - 17/30; ARGH. Overall, my grades are still really high and it's impossible i'll fail the class. I had no class yesterday, but had a pool tournament in Slate's at 23rd St.

SLATE'S
Ok, this is my first ever pool tournament. ET asked me to join this. I think it's some sort of fundraising for CORE whatever. You have to have a partner on this tournament of a diff sex, and ET got Patrick for me. Her partner was Darwin, this CORE guy from who seems to like her. Actually, him, ET, and I played pool in the same place Mon night. That's the first time i met him, and he's pretty cool.
Came Tuesday, laziness overcame my body (YET AGAIN). I may have slept 4am the night before just surfing the net and woke up around 11. Surfed the net some more then slept again. Very productive way to spend a day, if i may say.
I didnt want to get up because i still felt incredibly groggy, but i didnt want to be late for meeting ET.
I met ET, Mon, Gizel, and Joy (Gizel's co-worker) at Bryant Park. We headed to Slate altogether. I like the interior of Slate. Pretty dandy, and i like how they transformed a pool table to a groovy sofa which they strategically placed all around the vicinity.
Game didnt start immediately. People were coming in so small talks had to be executed. Simply had to be. Hmp. Dont get me wrong, im a fairly social person, but i hate shallow conversations and people who speak it. It's a waste of time and you have to put a fake smile in your face at all times. No fun at all.

Patrick and I played 6 games in total. We won 4 of them. Our last 2 games were versus the champion of last year, and we did put up a fight. Or rather, Patrick did his best. J

Afterwards, we ate in blimpie’s. GIzel and joy left early on. Probably bored because they didn’t play. They did have someone pick them up. Mon, however, stayed with me.

DAVID

Last i saw him was Sunday night. It was lunatic Debbie that night. I hovered around his apartment for what seemed like an hour and a half. The thing was that i thought he'd be home when i got there, bec it was already 230am. The plan for that night originally was me helping him with laundry when he got home. I called him around 1am saying i was sleepy. Then a while later, i changed my mind and decided to surprise him instead. I got to his apt, finding an empty room. I saw him walk home around 340am.

Who of us can say we are not guilty of breaking these Commandments?

KFC 2004


Commandments:

1. You should have no other Gods before me
Have you always put God first in your life? Jesus said to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength -- so much, that your love for your parents, brothers and sisters, friends, and even your own life is like hatred compared to your love and devoyion for God (Luke 14.26). Have you ever failed to put Him first in your life?

2. You shall not make for yourself any idol.
Who is God to you? Is he only a god of love and mercy who would never judge anyone and never cast anyone into hell? If that's your god, then you're right. Your god couldn't cast anyone into Hell because he doesn't exist. He's a figment of your imagination. You've created a god in your own mind that you're more comfortable with. You may call it your "personal belief," but God calls it idolatry. The Bible warns that idolaters will not inherit the kingdom of heaven, (Ephesians 5:5)

3. You shall not take the name of God in vain
Have you ever used God's name as a curse word? If you've taken the Hly name of God -- who gave you your life, your family, and everything precious to you -- and used it as a filthy, four-letter word. Hitler's name wasn't even despised enough to be used as a curse word! If you have used God's holy name in that manner, you are a blasphemer and the Bile says "God will not hold him guiltless who takes the name of the Lord in vain, "(Exodus 20:7). Have you ever broken this commandment?

4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
God commands that we set aside one day in seven. Have you ever been guilty of breaking this commandment?

5. "Honor your father and your mother."
Have you always honored your parents in a way that's pleasing in the sight of God? Ask Him to remind you of the sins of your youth. You may have forgotten them, but God hasn't

6. "You shall not murder."
Jesus warned "Whoever is angry with his brother without cause, is in danger of judgment," (Matthew 5:22) and the Bible says, "He who hates his brother is a murderer," (1 John 3:15). God sees hatred in the heart to be as wicked as murder. We can violate His Law by attitude and intent.

7. "You shall not commit adultery."
Jesus warned," You have heard...'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Have you ever looked at another person with lust? The Bible says that adulterers and fornicators (those who have had sex before marriage) will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

8. "You shall not steal."
Have you ever stolen anything (even if it was something small)? The value of the thing stolen doesn't matter; petty theft is still theft. Have you ever taken anything that belonged to someone else (from the office, school, parents, etc.)? If you have, that makes you a thief.

9. "You shall not lie."
Have you ever told a lie? Then you are a liar. How many murders do you have to commit to be a murderer? Just one. If you have told even one lie, that makes you a liar. The Bible warns that all liars will have their part in the Lake of Fire (Revelation 21:8). You may not think deceitfulness is a serious sin, but God does.

10. "You shall not covet."
This means we should never desire anything that belongs to another person. Not their house, nor their car, nor their money, nor their wife, nor their lifestyle, nor anything that belongs to our neighbor.

Perhaps you think God is good and because of his goodness He will overlook your sins?
But if you knew of a human judge who turned a blind eye to the crimes of a guilty rapist... would you describe him as a "good" judge?

God could never be a corrupt judge.
He will punish all the rapists, murderers, and thieves... But he won't stop there. He will also punish all liars, the lustful, adulterers, idolaters, and blasphemers.

The place of eternal punishment is Hell.

Today, with all your heart—turn away from sin, and surrender your life to Jesus Christ. Please don’t put it off till later. You may die today and then it will be too late. You may not yet have all the answers to your questions, but better to put on the parachute first and then ask questions, then to pass through the door unprepared, grasping for the parachute when it’s too late. You can pray something like this—"Dear God, today I turn from all my sins (name them), and I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Please forgive me, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. Amen." There is nothing magic about these words—it is the attitude of your heart that God cares about.
God will transform you from the inside out. You will think and feel differently as you learn to trust and obey Him. God will give you new strength to live right and love Him above all else. Read your Bible daily and obey His Word. You can trust God—He loves you and will always be faithful.

My better half

Yeah baby

Birthday Girl!

Fearless

I've realized that I can sum up my entire life with the statement of two very simple facts. And when presented together, they are so ironically juxtaposed that they are either sickening or hysterical. They are proof positive -- as if proof were needed -- that my life is nothing more than somebody's cruel joke.

Fact #1: I am fearless.

Fact #2: I am always running away.

There you have it: the sum total of my existence, Debbie dela Cruz in a hermetically sealed nutshell. Pathetic, isn't it? A fearless girl who runs away? It's on par with being a stunningly beautiful girl who has to wear a paper bag over her head or an investment-banking billionaire who lives in a trailer park.
But let's be clear here. True, I can't feel fear. This is not the same thing as being brave, however. It's not like I see myself in some Roman epic, weighed down with a hundred pounds of armor, taking on fifty lions or re-creating a glorious battle. I'm no gladiator. Gladiators were brave. Because being brave necessarily means being able to experience fear and then being able to overcome it.

But then, that's my problem, isn't it? I'm not just fearless. I'm "braveless," too.
At the very least, you'd think this little fluke in my genetics would enable me to stay in one place for a while. If I'm not afraid of anything, why the hell should I ever have to run away, right? To that end, fearlessness shouldn't prevent me from making a true friend, either. Or actually keeping a true friend. Or falling in love and staying in love. I should be able to stand my ground. I should be able to face every single crisis and tragedy in my life with complete confidence.

Running away is for weak-minded cowards.

I tell myself these things. And then I tell myself: bullshit.

Because when you get right down to it, going on the run isn't about fear or bravery. It's about the one principle that applies to every creature on this planet -- from the bravest lion to the lowest forms of life, like my father or cockroaches: survival. Self-protection and self-preservation. Even the most fearless animals have a survival instinct. It's what enables them to perpetuate their species. To multiply.

And I can't be any different.

Although I have to be honest: I don't really see myself multiplying in the future. In fact, I'd say the odds of my extinction are increasing by the hour.

Christmas Eve

Carine's last day

just how significant is love in a mortal's life?

Isnt love the most precious emotion of a human being? They say we all need love like we need water to live.

Proverbs 5: 18 Be happy with the wife you married when you were young. 19She is beautiful and graceful, just like a deer; you should be attracted to her and stay deeply in love. (CEV)

1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or 5rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. 6Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. 7Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. 8Love never fails! (CEV)

Colossians 3: 8.... You must quit being angry, hateful, and evil. You must no longer say insulting or cruel things about others.... 12God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient.... 15Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful.... (CEV)

1 Peter 3: 4Be beautiful in your heart by being gentle and quiet. This kind of beauty will last, and God considers it very special.... 9Don't be hateful and insult people just because they are hateful and insult you. Instead, treat everyone with kindness. You are God's chosen ones.... Ephesians 4:2Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other. (CEV)

Mark 7: 21 Out of your heart come evil thoughts, vulgar deeds, stealing, murder, 22unfaithfulness in marriage, greed, meanness, deceit, indecency, envy, insults, pride, and foolishness. (CEV)

Proverbs 17: 9 You will keep your friends if you forgive them, but you will lose your friends if you keep talking about what they did wrong. (CEV)

Romans 14: 1 Welcome all the LORD'S followers, even those whose faith is weak. Don't criticize them for having beliefs that are different from yours.... 3But you should not criticize others for eating or for not eating. After all, God welcomes everyone. 4 What right do you have to criticize someone else's servants? Only their Lord can decide if they are doing right, and the Lord will make sure that they do right. John 7: 24 Don't judge by appearances. Judge by what is right. James 5: 9 Don't grumble about each other or you will be judged, and the judge is right outside the door. (CEV)

I will watch you in the darkness, show you love will see you through. When the bad dreams wake you crying I'll show you all love can do.

I will watch by the night, hold you in my arms, give you dreams where no one will be. I will watch through the dark till the morning comes for the lights will take you through the night to see

I will guard you with my bright wings, stay till your heart learns to see all love can be

You Know You're from New York When...

1) You don't have a driver's license..
2) You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available. You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have pure grit.
3) You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
4) You know what a "regular" coffee is
5) It's not Manhattan, it's the "City".
6) You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road
7) You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
8) There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown. If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where North and South are.
9) You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting the fact.
10) You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Queens the minute you open your mouth.
11) You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel.
12) A 500 square foot apartment is large.
13) Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as that same 500 square foot apartment of yours that takes only 35 minutes to get to and you think he's a sucker.
14) You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.
15) You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a P.A. announcement on the subway.
16) You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.
17) You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
18) You know that off - the - shelf insecticides are just laughing gas to the superior roaches cohabiting with you in the 500 square foot apartment.
19) You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
20) You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
21) Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.
22) You know what a bodega is.
23) You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
24) Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....
25) You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with her self.
26) You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
27) You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas.
28) The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
29) Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. (They take up all the parking spaces!)
30) You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
31) The Deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's beer!32) You may air heartfelt gripes and complaints about your city, but heaven help any visitors who dis' your city.

THAT'S NEW YORK, BABY! YOU GOTTA LOVE IT.

Thoughts of love are expressed in words, and words can lead to poetry.

For the first time in my life, i feel love flow in my heart, the same cold and lifeless heart that is now overflowing with glorious joy and happiness -- because of a man whose spirit is full of passion, warmth, and beauty.

I have never known love --until now, because of the way he touched my heart, took hold of my depressed soul, and showed me the beauty of life's imperfections.

Everything i thought to be impossible seems to be within my grasp. I now see everything in a new light because of something i thought i was unworthy to feel.

I bask in the beauty of this world because of the feelings of a man whom i would love now and till my heart beats its final note to life's great song.

Happy fifth month.

I am yours ever faithfully.

How do we manage to confront the truths in our lives and find forgiveness in the most unforgiving of circumstances?

It's Monday, 2pm. On this glorious day, the brilliant sky is filled with banks of motionless white clouds, fleecy as fleece, but so obedient and lazy they havent any need for a shepherd or a fence. January in New York is a peerless month, with long days of glittering snow and strong winds unfolding. This is the season when even the most foolish couples will stop to appreciate all that is set out vefore them, the creamy blossoms of snow-filled tree branches , the heavenly swarms of doves findin a place of warmth, hovering over white lawns it can seem as though the hand of all that's divine has leaned down to construct a perfect white wonderlanf, white upon white, perfection upon perfection.

Ultimately, the wonderful scenery within my vision is an enigma to my horrible present life. ust this January 13th marked my year of living miserably here in US.

I heard somewhere that when you write in a diary you should pretend that you're writing a letter to a really good friend, someone you trust completely, and you know will never laugh at you. So that's what I'm telling myself, because to tell the truth I feel kind of silly writing about my life in this dorky little book. And it's funny because I've actually made use of diares for several years now, and suddenly it hits me-like hey, I'm 21! According to some people this should be one of the most memorable eras of my whole life. Well, I'm not too sure I even want to remember everything about being 21, but on the other hand, i still have a little optimism that things will look up somehow, and it might actually be worth to track how the rest of 2005 year goes. Especially considering last night could have been the most horrible day of my life.

A Bad Start

Weight:
118lbs

Why is it so freakin hard to lose weight? And i am only aiming for losing 10lbs - I'd be the merriest slim girl in the world if i lose so. I hate my fats[baby fats, hopefully], I hate my horrible judy-ann face, i hate my brother's obese evil girlfriend.

Food Consumed Today:
Chinese Chicken Salad
Rosemary Chicken Foccacia
Szechuan Slaw
555 Spanish Sardines
1 cup rice
Zone Chocolate Mint Protein Bar
Dylan's Chocolate Duds, Choco Covered Peanuts, Peanut Brittle

Work Hours:
12-510pm

Lesson Learned:
It is proven that stress appetites me, thus - willpower must be stregthened durings stressful days.

Tidbits:
Caught Lil and Jay in YM today.
Chittychat with my beloved.
Bought a:
Candy Pink Burberry Hairband - $50
Shiseido Eyeliner - $16
Ralph Lauren Earrings and B&W Pearl/Onyx Necklace
Dylan's White Long Sleeve Vday Tee
It's 12:17am and Ma's still not here. Hmm...

I SWEAR from this day on that i will not buy candy at Dylan's anymore! UGH! Working right next to candyland is such temptation! AND.. I really will start going to the gym regularly - 3x/week MINIMUM!

Serendipity 

Iguana